By now, most of us are familiar with the classic stress responses: fight, flight, and freeze. They’ve been discussed in psychology, self-help books, and even pop culture. But there’s more to the story. What if I told you there’s a lesser-known fourth response that could provide deeper insights into your behaviour? Enter the fawn response—a survival mechanism rooted in appeasement and relational dynamics.
This article isn’t just another breakdown of the stress responses you’ve heard about. It’s an exploration of how these instinctive reactions manifest in our modern lives, with a special focus on the fawn response. As a counselor, I find this topic not only fascinating but also profoundly relevant for anyone seeking to understand themselves better.
The Classic Trio: Fight, Flight, and Freeze
Fight: This response pushes us to confront a threat. It might look like anger, assertiveness, or taking action to defend ourselves. While it can be empowering, the fight response isn’t always appropriate and can sometimes escalate conflicts.
Examples:
Advocating for yourself in a tense meeting.
Standing your ground in a disagreement.
Flight: The flight response is all about escaping danger, whether physically or emotionally. It can help us avoid harmful situations but might also prevent us from addressing underlying issues.
Examples:
Leaving a toxic environment.
Withdrawing from stressful conversations.
Freeze: Sometimes, our bodies and minds shut down under stress, leaving us feeling stuck or disconnected. This can be a protective mechanism, but it often leaves us unable to take action.
Examples:
Feeling unable to respond in a heated argument.
Mentally "checking out" when overwhelmed.
The Fawn Response: When Survival Means Appeasing
The fawn response is different. It’s the instinct to appease others to diffuse conflict or ensure safety, often at the expense of our own needs. While it is commonly associated with individuals who have experienced relational trauma, this response can also develop in other environments. For example, people who grew up in loving but highly structured homes or who faced pressures to be peacemakers may also adopt fawning as a stress response.
What Fawning Looks Like:
Constantly agreeing with others to avoid tension.
Prioritizing others’ needs while ignoring your own.
Feeling guilty for setting even the smallest boundaries.
Over-apologizing or taking responsibility for things outside your control.
Why Recognizing Fawning Matters
At first glance, the fawn response may seem like kindness or empathy. But when it arises out of fear, we pay a high costs for it - inner dissatisfaction, exhaustion and the feeling of losing touch with ourselves. But this is also where the opportunity lies: understanding this behavior can be a real turning point. It is the first step towards rediscovering your own inner strength and creating relationships based on mutual respect and authenticity.
For me personally, it was incredibly liberating to recognise my own moments of fawn behavior. It allowed me to reflect on why I sometimes over-apologise or hesitate to show my true feelings. This awareness has shown me that I can take new, healthier paths - paths that empower me and allow me to be myself.
Breaking Free from the Fawn Response
If you identify with fawning, know that it’s a learned response—and that means it can be unlearned. Here are some strategies to help:
Start with Awareness: Notice when you’re prioritizing others’ needs over your own. Ask yourself: Am I doing this out of genuine care, or out of fear?
Set Boundaries Gradually: Boundaries don’t have to be drastic. Start small, like saying no to a request that feels overwhelming or expressing a differing opinion in a safe space.
Seek Support: Counselling or Therapy can be a safe place to explore the origins of fawning and practice new responses. Trauma-informed approaches, such as EMDR or somatic experiencing, can be particularly helpful, as well as mindfulness based stress reduction.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remember that the fawn response evolved as a survival mechanism. Our brains sometimes have trouble distinguishing between real danger and frequently rehearsed catastrophic situations in our head. This means that you are bound to experience moments along the way when you automatically fall back into your old patterns. This is part of the process. The important thing is that you realize this and treat yourself with kindness as you work on unlearning your old mechanisms.
Rewriting Your Stress Story
Understanding stress responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—isn’t about labeling yourself. It’s about giving yourself the tools to respond to life’s challenges in ways that feel authentic and empowering. Each response has its roots in survival, but with awareness and support, we can learn to choose how we react.
If you’ve ever felt like your voice gets lost in appeasing others, know that you’re not alone. Recognizing this pattern is a courageous first step, and change is possible. By setting boundaries, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion, you can move from survival mode to thriving.
Let’s rewrite our stress stories together, one step at a time. I’d love to hear your thoughts—how do you relate to these responses? What steps have you taken to reclaim your power?
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