What Does It Mean to Have It All? When the outside looks perfect, but something still feels off inside.

We don’t always say it out loud — but many of us know the feeling. On paper, life looks picture-perfect: a steady job, a partner, maybe even the house with the garden — and of course, the two children (ideally one boy and one girl). Because hey, isn’t that the dream we’re told to want?

But let’s pause for a moment and reflect.

This image — still widely upheld as the gold standard of fulfillment — isn’t neutral. It’s shaped by long-standing, heteronormative, and patriarchal narratives about what a “worthy” life looks like. And for many people — women in particular — this often includes the subtle (or not-so-subtle) expectation to achieve motherhood, preferably in a neatly gender-balanced, Instagrammable format.

But here’s the thing: the problem isn’t choosing this kind of life. The problem is that we’re still treating it as the ultimate life. As though anything outside this narrow frame is somehow incomplete, less valuable, or just a temporary detour before “settling down” into the good old picture of the perfect family.

The real challenge? We’re so busy measuring ourselves against that template, we rarely stop to ask: Is this actually what I want? Does this life feel right for me — or does it just look good from the outside?

Because real fulfillment doesn’t follow a formula. And for those whose truth doesn’t fit that script — whether by choice, circumstance, or identity — it can be deeply invalidating to feel as though their lives don’t count in the same way. So you might be living what looks like a perfect life… and still feel something is off. A quiet discomfort. A sense of Is this it? You might even wonder if you’re ungrateful. Or broken. You’re not.

What you might be experiencing isn’t a crisis — it’s a signal. A misalignment between the story you’re living on the outside… and the one your inner world is longing to tell.

The Psychology Behind “Having It All

According to Individual Psychology, developed by Alfred Adler and considered one of the three major schools of depth psychology, each of us develops a unique “style of life” (Lebensstil) — a set of deep-seated beliefs, goals, and guiding principles early in childhood. This life style isn’t about surface-level habits or preferences, but rather about the deep-seated beliefs, goals, and guiding principles we develop in response to how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. Within that life style are our "Lebensstilmeinungen" — unconscious assumptions and private logic like:

• “To be valued, I have to be needed.”

• “Success means being married with children.”

• “If I don’t achieve what others expect of me, I’ve failed.”

These assumptions are shaped by early experiences, cultural norms, and family systems — and they continue to drive us well into adulthood unless we consciously reflect on them. So when you feel emotionally unfulfilled in a life that seems “successful,” Adler would say: your style of life and your actual values are out of sync. And that dissonance can lead to chronic dissatisfaction, low self-worth, or even burnout.

What Psychology Says About a Meaningful Life

So if the traditional checklist doesn’t guarantee happiness — what does?

While Adlerian Psychology helps us understand the why behind our life choices — the unconscious beliefs and patterns we develop early on — Positive Psychology explores the how of living a meaningful and emotionally sustainable life. It’s a shift from asking “What’s wrong with me?” to asking “What helps me thrive?”

For a long time, traditional psychology focused primarily on diagnosing and treating dysfunction. But in recent decades, Positive Psychology has taken a different approach — looking at what makes life worth living. Instead of only aiming to reduce suffering, it explores what actually contributes to well-being, fulfillment, and personal growth.

So, instead of asking how to fix people, it asks:

What helps people thrive — emotionally, socially, and mentally? What creates a sense of meaning and deep satisfaction — not just success on paper?

One of the best-known models in this field is PERMA+V, developed by psychologist Martin Seligman and later expanded to include physical well-being. It outlines six key areas that contribute to lasting fulfillment — beyond material goals or external achievements:

• P – Positive Emotions: Feeling joy, gratitude, love, or even small moments of pleasure

• E – Engagement: Being so absorbed in what you're doing that you lose track of time (also known as flow)

• R – Relationships: Having meaningful, supportive connections where you feel seen and valued

• M – Meaning: Feeling part of something larger than yourself — whether it’s family, a cause, a community, or a spiritual practice

• A – Accomplishment: Setting and reaching goals that feel personally meaningful (not just socially expected)

• +V – Vitality: Taking care of your physical body — rest, movement, energy, and nervous system regulation

What’s powerful about this model is that it shifts the definition of a “good life” away from external validation and toward inner alignment. It reminds us that well-being is not one-size-fits-all — it’s about what fills you up and connects you to your values. This model is backed by years of research and is aligned with other major psychological theories, like:

• Self-Determination Theory, which says that humans thrive when three core needs are met: autonomy (freedom to choose), competence (feeling capable), and relatedness (feeling connected)

• Fredrickson’s Broaden-and-Build Theory, which shows how positive emotions help us build inner resilience, social bonds, and long-term well-being

• Studies on flourishing vs. languishing, which highlight that mental health is more than the absence of illness — it’s about feeling alive and engaged in your life

The bottom line? Fulfillment isn’t about having it all — it’s about having what matters to you. And that can look very different for each individual.

When Success Doesn’t Satisfy: A Call to Realignment

Feeling out of sync with your life — even if it looks great on paper — isn’t a flaw. It’s feedback. It’s your inner world asking for recalibration. In counselling settings, we might call this a values clarification process. In everyday language, it’s simply this: You get to stop and ask, What actually feels meaningful to me?

You don’t have to want the traditional path. You don’t have to aspire to what everyone else celebrates. You get to create your own definition of “having it all” — one that reflects your truth, not just your performance.

Your Free Mental Wealth Tool: The “Redefining ‘Having It All’” Journaling Practice

At Well-being Rebel, we don’t just talk about well-being — we make it doable. This isn’t just a thought experiment. It’s an invitation to come back to yourself. To create mental clarity and emotional space. To connect with your values in a way that’s both practical and deeply personal.

That’s why we’ve created a free journaling tool based on the PERMA+V model and rooted in both Positive Psychology and Adlerian insights. It’s designed to help you step out of autopilot and explore what your version of a fulfilled life could look like — no external checklists required.

Whether you journal regularly or are totally new to it, this exercise is for you. Set aside 15–20 minutes with a quiet moment, a notebook (digital or analogue), and maybe your favorite drink. Let your responses be honest, intuitive, and yours alone. This isn’t about saying the “right” thing — it’s about hearing your truth.

Reflective Prompts: Redefining What “Having It All” Means — On Your Terms

• What was I taught — explicitly or subtly — about what makes a life successful, worthy, or complete?

• Which of those beliefs still serve me — and which ones feel externally imposed, outdated, or simply untrue for me now?

• When I look at the six areas of PERMA+V (Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, Accomplishment, and Vitality), which feel most alive in my life — and which feel neglected or unbalanced?

• If I could define “having it all” in a way that reflected my values, my energy, and my unique wiring — what would that version of life look like? How would it feel?

This is more than reflection — it’s alignment in action. Use these prompts weekly or monthly. Revisit them when you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected. They’re designed to help you re-center and reconnect with your inner compass — the one that knows your truth even when the world gets noisy. Building mental wealth starts with simple, repeatable practices — and we’re here to support you with exactly that.

Redefine. Reclaim. Realign.

To conclude today's topic: the old narrative of “having it all” — the picture-perfect life with tidy milestones — doesn’t work for everyone. For many of us, it never truly fit. And that’s not a failure. That’s a realization. Wanting something different doesn’t make you ungrateful — it makes you awake. Craving more depth, more calm, or more authenticity isn’t selfish — it’s wise.

If something inside you aches beneath the surface of your “good life,” listen. That feeling isn’t weakness. It’s your clarity speaking. Real well-being doesn’t come from ticking boxes. It begins with asking better questions — and having the courage to live your own answers. That’s not failure. That’s mental wealth in action.